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A Screenplay Whot I Wrote

TO: Moe Bigshot, Columbia TriStar

FROM: Helen

RE: Boffo Pic Idea

DATE: 04/14/99

Just something I dreamed up but I'm already thinking
or perhaps even Tony and myself...

My agent and current Best Boy, Aaron Hardwicke is going to paper the town with this. He expects the bidding to start at 500 thou.

He says he'll see me on Sunset Boulevard

(Is that in Coatbridge?)




The people of Airdrie wake up one morning to find that a huge Clootie Dumpling-shaped object is hovering over their fair town. This giant space-Clootie Dumpling broadcasts the message "A Penny For Scotland, " and then zooms off to flatten Delta House with their Alex-o-Ray.

Our hero, Little Nell, is a beautiful young ex-Deputy Secretary of State for Scotland who now drives a Garbage Truck (and half of the country's young men wild at the same time). Helen teams up with Tony Blur, played by himself, a handsome full time Bill Clinton fan and part time Prime Minister, and also "Donnie Dour" and "Gordon the Anorak", two cute kids who have stowed away in the trunk of Helen's Garbage Truck while looking for more cast-off Tory policies.

They scour Delta House's rubble for survivors or even something to salvage, but can only find useless trash. However, as they're in a charitable mood, they rescue Brian Wilson all the same. Then they come face to face with the space Clootie Dumpling's crew - hyper-evolved time-jumping Nats. These pre-historic lizards destroy even the toughest of Blairites using their horrific sonic war cry of "New Labour Same Old Tories!". Helen's group is chased to the abandoned Monklands District Council HQ, and their conversion seem sure. However, Helen uses her expert knowledge of Labour Tax Bribes to lure the Nats into a handy Russian used nuclear waste dump, where the Nats are Nuked Until they Glow.

Helen decides to get rid of these tax-warping Union busters once and for all. Tony designs a computer virus that will turn the space Clootie Dumpling's crew into Liberal Democrats. Helen, who it turns out flew a Fokker Triplane in World War I, discovers that Delta House's ex Scottish General Secretary, Jack McConman is not only still alive and kicking, but is actually a special agent and male prostitute for the CIA. While the computer virus disables the space Clootie Dumpling, Helen and the CIA agent/male prostitute launch an aerial assault against the Space Clootie Dumpling which sends it crashing into Lanarkshire's local Liberal Club. There the Nats all turn into sanctimonius gits before you can even say "Pantsdown" and the threat to Delta House is removed.

Helen has saved the Union once more, but as she looks into the morning sun with Tony she knows that the Nats will be back.